THE UNITED FAT-ASSES OF AMERICA

Greetings and salutations, sick bastards!! The T-Man's been gone for a little while. In a nutshell, I'll say this: I'm never, ever ever moving again....

But to the topic at hand: we're becoming a nation of fatties. I know, I know, some people can't help it. They say it's in their genes. (Or should I say, "jeans"?) But to all you blimps that blame your fat-assed-ness on your thyroid, I say this: QUIT YOUR FUCKING CRYING!! You're not fat and proud, you're sick and in denial.

But don't worry. T-Man's here to help. First, calmly put down the Meatnormous Sandwich, and step away from the buffet table.....
Good. Now that I've got your attention, here are some rules to follow. (And you must stick to these!! Stick to em like.....well, shit, like peanut butter to wheat bread, okay!?):


1. NO CREDIT CARDS AT FAST-FOOD JOINTS. Yeah, it's great that our society's advanced this far, but jeez. For you, CASH ONLY for your two dozen White Castle-burgers.
2. NO MORE CIRCLING THE PARKING LOT TO FIND THE CLOSEST SPOT. And it seems that, more than anywhere else, this happens most often at the gym.
3. BOOK TWO SEATS ON AN AIRPLANE!!!! For obvious fucking reasons!!! Just because you're too cheap/embarrassed to do so doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer permanent numbness in our extremities.
4. THREE SQUARE A DAY. Not four, or six, or even ten or twelve "little" meals. Three means THREE!! You can start by cutting out your favorite--the one between breakfast and lunch.

There has been recent legislation that, if passed, would allow obesity to be considered a legal medical condition. It would then be covered by most health insurance plans, and Medicaid. MEDICAID!! So if you start wondering just where your tax dollars go...they go into Uncle Freddie's ginormous ASS!

So don't worry, America, chow down! And remember--the liposuction, angioplasty, and triple bypass are all covered. Know why? Because Nationwide is On Your Side.