Holy Shit -- Literally!

OK, this one gives "Praise God, from whom all blessings flow" an entirely new meaning.

I recently covered a Christmas play at one of the churches in Skaneateles for the paper. The last scene was a living Nativity scene, complete with live animals -- one of which was a donkey whose real name was listed in the program as Burrito.

And if you're unaware, the formula for animals onstage is, "Live animals + human audience = massive amounts of feces."

The formula played true on this December night. But it almost didn't happen...here's how it went down: A cast member led Burrito onstage in the last scene. From Burrito's position in the tableau, his ass (!) was pointed right where I was sitting.

After a couple minutes, the donkey's handler slowly placed her hand on his butt, where it stayed for a good twenty seconds. Why...why is that lady fondling a donkey's...well, ass?? I thought.

Then she took her hand away, and I understood. Burrito let loose with a veritable chocolate waterfall. Not to steal focus from the show, the handler fetched a broom and dustpan and loudly swept up the, ummm....yeah.

The smell was ridiculous. The old lady sitting next to me just couldn't handle it, so after a few seconds of covering her nose, she got up and left. (To puke, I hope. Oh please let her have puked.)

The kicker is, the handler lady was literally trying to hold the shit in. But Burrito was gonna have his time in the limelight, by God.

Literally. BY God.

(And I know you're probably thinking I got waaaay more perverse satisfaction out of this than a mature human being should. But...I don't care.) :-)